Still treading the boards

She's been on stage 50 years and is still going strong.

Not NOT ME!


I refer to the glamourous and beautifully talented Dame Edna Everage. She has a new sell out show here in sydders to celebrate fifty years on the stage. Of course, I couldnt let it pass without popping in and having a look at this drag queen.






She no longer refers to her self as a megastar. She is now a self proclaimed gigastar and rightly so.

Her show was about two and a half hours of mostly non scripted stand up and it was brilliant! I've never seen her live before, but I used to watch The Dame Edna Experience back home.

The show was a bit slow to start as Barry did Les Patterson first off. He's never been one of my favourite characters, with all his slobbering and spitting, but to see him in the flesh was actually quite funny, with all the first five rows of the audience ducking and diving to avoid being spat on with whiskey.

there was then a really odd/weird sketch where he played a dead bloke wandering the halls of the home where he was a "care recipient" basically sat in a chair talking about the time with his still alive wife Beryl. Surreal. Funny, but surreal.

Les and Dame Edna are not really suitable for kids, so why would parents bring their 9 year girl to the show. A question Dame Edna wanted to know and promptly dragged the girl on stage and asked which wise parents brought her. Edna promised the little girl that her parents would explain the show when she grew up.









It was a great show and you should slip into your best frock and see it if you can.

Chatty Chewsday

I'm going home in Oct for a couple of weeks.

Dya fancy meeting up for a beer?

The birthday bash is finally over

I started my birthday bash some 6 weeks ago and I had my final 'do' on Friday past. Graeme, Andre, MSM & I headed off to Rubyos for dinner. The food is a kind of fusion of European Tapas and Australia. An odd mix, but well worth it.

We sipped on pink Moet & Chandon sent to me as a birthday gift by Fiona and ate fine foods. Hinge and Brackett paid for the meal which was a welcome and lovely suprise.

Afterwards, me and MSM headed off to The Midnight Shift for a night of dancing.

This is the first time I've been clubbing as such since I got here. I've been out drinking in late bars that had a dance floor, but never gone out specifically 'clubbing' We also met Tina and Ebeneezer who did their usual thing and kept us up all night.

That was on Friday. I'm now sat here, Monday afternoon, tired. Further, thanks to all the rug cutting and gyrating, I have a pain in my back that is killing me!

I'm officially too old for this shit!

Next year, I'm off to Shady Pines for dinner with a tartan blanket and one of those giant slip-on feet warmers thrown in for good measure.

Comfy

Whats up with South America?

With a combined total of around 380,000,000 people (give or take a few mill) you would think that at least one person in South America had seen my blog. Just take a glance at the map on the left there......see what I mean?

Mr Wong in China has had a peek. Mr Singh in India has had a butchers. Mr Zsremonovitch in Mongolia has had a gander.

But from South America? Not even a sniff. Maybe I've been banned? Like the Chinese ban on international news sites incase they cause dissent amongst the ranks?

Maybe in Venezuala, I'm considered an undesirable? Objectionable in Brazil? I feel most unwanted in Chile!

Just a thought.....Do they have electricity in S. America?

It's a language thing

Just the other day I was asked what part of Australia I was from. When I said I lived in Sydney, he looked at me oddly and said "Oh, you're a Pom!"

"Well, where did you think I was from?" I didn't really want to speak to this ginormous yank with a moustache that made him look a bit like Lord Kitchener. You know, the bloke from the "Your country needs you!" adverts during "the war periods"? No? Anyway, he looked a lot like him and I hasten too add was probably about the same age.



" When you said G'day, I thought you were Aussie"

After what seems like five minutes, but is in actual fact almost eight months, It appears I have become Aussified without realising it. I had said G'day to someone without thinking. Shocked and horrified I spun around and caught the nearest kangaroo home.

I mentioned this faux pas to a friend and she said that I say a lot of things Aussie. No worries is one of them. This is true, but I have always said no worries long before I came here, so that doesn't count.

"How you going?" is another.....well is isnt actually pronounced like that. It's more of an "Ahh ya gaaing?" which I do say now, instead of the Londoners "Alright."

Both mean the same thing, just a general greeting that requires no answer other than a "Alright thanks" or downunder its "Ahhh, I'm Good thanks"

Another strange Aussie word is wog. Now we all know what that means in the UK and for most part, most people dont use it. Not least because its a very 70's word but also it's pretty racist. Even to the extent that Robertson jams took their famous logo off its products due to the racial overtones.

Yet here, the word wog is bounded around all over the place. It basically means people of Lebanese, Greek descent, but is applied to most olive skinned people. They even use the word on TV, but it is in no way considered a racist verb. That may be so, but I still cant help but cringe when I do hear it. The same applies to "Coon" adverts I see on TV. Its a brand of cheese by the way.

It's a funny ol' place with a funny ol' language. Thank God I was dragged up speaking proper like.

Chatty Chewsday

Lame effort last week guys and gals. I'm disappointed.....

I've just spent the last two days on a course on Australian Law with regards to insolvency and can now quote verbatum Act 556.1(a) of the Corporation Act 2001 as produced by ASIC.

ZZZZZzzzzzzzz

This is a whole two days of my life that I will never get back.

Tell me about a time you will never get back.....

The biggest eruption I've ever seen

During the last three days of the holiday, I headed south and flew to the island of Tanna.

I came to see the worlds biggest Banyan tree, via horseback. Three hours on a horse, trekking thru the jungles and passing villages in small clearings.

Me & "Fred"


A small hut, sleeps 6

The Tree - Cant really get an idea, but its the size of 4 football fields

But here, in Tanna, the main attraction is the live volcano. Its been exploding on and off for a few hundred years, but hasnt killed anyone since 1998. We arrived at the volcano just before sunset, so that you can climb your way up to the edge of the crater in daylight.

Halfway up

The steam and smoke almost blocks out the Sun anyway, but up I clambered. About half way up a rumble could be heard and I look up to see hot rocks flying just above the craters edge.

Smoke and steam

I wasn't at all scared, so after changing my underpants, I continued my climb.

I make it sound like it was a two day trek, but it was only about 10 minutes as the Jeep had driven most of the way up. I arrived at the top and promptly posted my postcards in the worlds only Volcano Post and headed off to the craters edge.

All was quiet.

I lay down right on the edge so I could steady my Kodak Brownie and after a few minutes I could feel the whole mountain shake through my body and then a huge KRACK as molten lava exploded in a fiery mass of sparks and fireworks. Lumps of molten rock were spewed hundreds of feet in the air and came down in a majestic arches.

KRACK!

The feeling of being so close and sometimes too close was incredible. the power was totally mind blowing and yet these were only little explosions on a category 1. If it gets to category 3 no-one is allowed up there. The people who died back in 1998 were a Japanese tourist and a local who she persuaded to take her up there (after the official guides had turned her down) during a category 4 time when the explosions were pretty bad.

They were never seen again.

Tanna is much less westernised than Efate and the people on this island still live in bamboo huts with palm thatching. The villages have no electricity or plumbed water. The people of Vanuatu in general live in poverty. Or what we Westerners refer to as poverty. The ni-vanuatu of the outer islands have never seen money.

And yet, they have no concept of homeless people, no-one ever goes hungry and they always smile and say hello to complete strangers. They are truly the friendliest race of people I have ever met and when you live in paradise, you can't help but be happy.



Vanuatu - Visit if you can.

Chatty Chewsday

The last chatty day was a pretty big success, with over 25 comments! Though, it has to be said that due to a clerical error (I pushed the wrong button) most of them were deleted!

You now know how easy it is to let me know what YOU'RE up to.

Todays topic "Whattya reading?"

I've currently got my nose stuck in "Intruductory to Insolvency" written by the not so famous IPAA.

So, whattya reading?

Tsunami or not tsunami, that is the question?

At about 11.30 I headed off to bed. We've had a few beers and the odd voddie, but nothing to outrageous and I can still manage the walk up the steps to my bed. I get into bed and place my head on the pillow for what I hope will be a good nights sleep.

CLICKETY CLACK, CLICKETY CLACK, CLICKETY CLACK. The sound of what appears to be a steam train is running through my bedroom at a very fast rate. Then, just to add to the special effects the bed starts shaking and shuddering.

The whole thing from the train arriving to departing lasts about 3-5 seconds.

I sit bold upright. "What the fuck was that!?" I shout to no-one in particular. I sit there. Alert. Or alert as you can be after a few sherries. There is no more sound. There is no more movement. I wonder to myself if I have just experienced my first earthquake. I decide to myself that I had and spend the next half hour wondering if I should move upstairs to the TV room in case a bloody tsunami sweeps me out to sea. I listen intently for the sudden rush of water. Nothing. I fall asleep.

Next morning, I ask Chris and Sonia if they heard it. They look at me like I'm an idiot so I decide that I imagined it in my semi-drunken stupor.

Bruce, the islands chef arrives to cook breakfasts. "I dont spose you've seen the news today mate?" I enquire.

"No, not today." is the reply

"Oh, I thought I felt an earthquake last night, that's all."

"Yeah, there was one, about 11.45"

I was right! After years of visiting my sister in San Francisco and hoping for just a little one to see what it felt like and getting nothing. Not so much as a tremor. I get my first on an island in the middle of the Pacific.

If I wasn't alone it would have been the perfect opportunity to ask "Did the earth move for you dear?"

Time flies when.....

Diver #1; "So Gary, how long you here for?"

Me; "Oh, I don't go home till next Thursaday."

Diver #2; "Oh, that's a shame."

Me; "Really? Why?"

Diver #1; "Well, that's tomorrow"

Me; "Really? Tomorrow's Thursday? You sure? Shit!"

Put emergency plan into operation:

Stage 1. Change tickets

Stage 2. Buy more tickets for internal flight to another island.

Stage 3. Buy more accomodation for the 3 nights extra I've just booked.

Stage 4. Tell boss I'm taking extra holiday....Oh wait, that should read ask boss.......DOH!

Stage 5. E-mail boss on Anzac Day, when he is not in the office and ask him for more time off.

Stage 6. No reply from boss. Assume no news is good news.

Stage 7. Enjoy extra 3 days booked.

Fay Wray

Once on the mainland, there is a waterfall about a 40 minute walk up in the hills. It was a hot day, so Sonia, Chris and I set out earlyish to do the walk to The Cascades, passing a ni-Vanuatu grave site along the way.

Dead people, Vanuatu style

Sonia and Chris I had met a couple of day before. They were also on the island diving and generally laying about like the rest of us. In fact I spent my evening dinner of my 40th with these guys and we had a few glasses of champers followed by a few sherries....

Anyway, we walked along the roads to the falls arriving there around 11ish.

As you enter the falls, its more of a babbling brook type thing and the water is pretty cold and relaxing.


As you walk further up the hill, the cascades get bigger and the pools larger and the mossies seem to gather in bigger groups!

Halfway up the hill there is a pretty good view of our island and Chris decides he wants to take a picture. Out came his pocket tripod (which promptly lost a leg). Sixteen days later its finally set up and we manage a couple of shots, before we head off up the hill again.

The island in the background

When you finally get to the top of The Cascades the view is amazing. A huge waterfall pours down the mountainside and you can sit in the large pool below. If you can brave the tons of water dropping on you, you can actually get into a small gap at the back and sit back and relax. However, getting thru the water is a feat in itself. It's pretty amazing to have water pouring on you with that sort of pressure.



Once I got thru the water, I felt like Fay Wray and had a Fay Wray moment if you will. ....You know Fay Wray? She's the one that King Kong fell in love with and held her under the waterfall and then blew her dry!

Fay Wray

Me dear? Camp Dear? No dear!

Mi blong London

Vanuatu has three official languages and approx 115 unofficial languages.

English, French and Bislama.

Bislama is a sort of creole, pidgin English. Its a lot easier to understand when you see it written down.

Mi blong London but mi long Sydney. (I'm from London, but I now live in Sydney)

Tank yu tumas. (Thank you so much)

Yu gat fis? (Do you serve fish?)

And some of my favourites I learnt:

Basket blong titi (A bra)

Mi kakae no mit (I'm a vegetarian)

And the all time favourites:

Pulem I kam, pushem i go, wood i fall down......which means "A saw!"

Pigeon blong solwater .....which means pigeon belongs in sea....or a seagull

Wan smol box blong white man, oli scratchem beli I singout gudfala. Which in English means "One small box belongs to white man, they all scratch them and it sings good" or as we know it....a violin!

And the barometer says

The Land of Paradise

I've just returned from my holidays.

When I first arrived down under, I needed a holiday fast! Being a diver, I also knew that the South Pacific is now on my doorstep. For a diver, there is a vast smorgasbord of islands to choose from. I was like a kid in a sweetshop. After careful deliberation, weighing up the options, pros & cons and then finally choosing the cheapest, I opted for Vanuatu.

Vanuatu is a country archipelago of around 83 islands set out in a sort of "Y" shape. I was gonna be based on Efate, the island that holds the capital Port Vila and is situated half-way up the stem of the "Y". I was actually gonna be staying on Hideaway Island, just off the coast of Efate.





The welcome

My plane landed at around 7.30, where I was met by the transfer. We headed off down a dirt track, no lights on the car nor the street. It was pitch black. After 15 minutes he stopped on a beach and flashed his headlights. Why he didnt have them on when he was driving is beyond me !

Out on the water somewhere, I saw a flash in response to his.........a few minutes later I could hear the buzz of an outboard.......my ferry to the island had arrived....dumping my bags in the boat we headed off to a light in the distance.





The Views

As we approached, I could hear gentle tones, sweet harmonies being carried across the waves to me Tum te Tum de Da de Da....A five piece Melanesian string band strummed my arrival. I couldnt stop smiling, I was in paradise.

The next few days were spent lazing around in the shade, diving with the sharks, snorkelling on the reefs, eating great food and chatting with the staff who were all locals.

Time to get up and do something I thought, so off I went to Ekasup Village. A local kastom village where you can learn how the ni-Vanuatu (people from there) used to live and in a lot of cases, still do.



One of the locals....


Local kids doing their thing...

We're taken thru the village and shown how they catch fish using spider webs, relieve headaches and increase fertitily using the same leaves, set a coconut crab trap and also how to crack open a skull to eat the brains of a cooked human.


Ex Cannibals


You also get treated to a kastom village " Welcome Dance"

Cannibalism hasn't been practised here since around the 1890's after the missionary's arrived, but there was a case in 1969 where someone got eaten on one of the outer islands. Probably a politician or an FX dealer.

Cannibal #1 "Am I late for dinner?"

Cannibal #2 "Yes, everyones eaten."

Me and a local....



Vanuatu to be continued....

Goats, chickens & pigs

Sorry haven't written in a while, but been a very busy person. A couple of weeks ago me and MSM went to the Sydney Royal Easter Show.


MSM

This annual event attracting a million plus people is the time of year that the rural people can come to the big smoke and show us their wares. Its a bit like the Smithfield Show in the UK, but bigger and as it turns out, holds about the same interest value.


It was "this interesting"

I was feeling a little worse for wear and all too fragile after my night with Lisa and Mark. You know when you wake up and your still drunk? You feel fine until the hangover kicks in!

Walking around the show we saw huge cows, sows with piglets in tow, goats, horses, sheep, cowboys and cowgirls. As you might have guessed we missed most of the organised shows and headed to the bar. I left half of mine thats how bad I was now feeling.

Huuge cows!

My god! I cant contain myself!

Whats the best thing to do when your feeling bad? Thats right.....go to the fair and spend all your money on spinny, up & down, turny, twirling type rides. That'll settle your stomach.


Spinny thing

After throwing up as we left the final ride "Speed" we headed off home as we were supposed to be going out to dinner for my b/day. I spent most of the train journey trying to not throw up again (thereby making a fool of myself), but finally had to relinquish what was left in my stomach after we got off the train. Attractive.

Dinner was cancelled.